Massachusetts: Freedom of choice and acceptance of difference are often the ingredients missing the most, amongst many, in the lives cooked for the Pakistani women.
Add limitless freedom with diversity, these lives often change to a recipe of one’s own making-an almost perfect taste after much that is bitter. The United States is a place that offers these missing ingredients for a variety of such life broths.
Almost all girls who go to study in the US for the first time do face periods of problems-the bitter in the strife towards achieving the perfect taste. It is a world with different beliefs, practices and an understanding of itself, and this doesn’t always flow in so easily.
Sadia Arshad, a senior at Mount Holyoke College, relates that in her second year at college, when her grandfather passed away, her American friends could not understand her period of shock and the depth of the connection. Even while knowing that she was upset, they prioritized partying over consoling her. As Sadia wrote in an email, “I was disappointed and extremely upset/shocked that they were not supportive enough. I expected them to know what I must be going through, since any Pakistani friends of mine would have listened to me, lent me a shoulder to cry on, or at least asked me how I was feeling till a few days after the death.
“After coming to the United States I realized this freedom of being away from home was not as good as I had fancied it,” writes Rabia Murad, a rising sophomore at Mount Holyoke College. Initially I faced several social, cultural, religious and societal differences which were hard to live with because I was required to act normal and be unresponsive to the things regarded totally unacceptable back home. “
Even though Sadia’s two American professors helped her immensely to get through the ordeal of her grandfather’s death, she ascertained that people belonging to different cultures weigh things differently. “Previously, I had not realized that people may not value relationships as much as I do or as my culture does.”
“Studying in the US has reinforced my sense of identity in a positive way, both as a Pakistani and as a Muslim,” narrates another student who has spent two years in a college in the United States. “Living in Pakistan, the boundary line between what is cultural and what is religious more often than not gets badly smudged. People condone cultural practices in the name of religion, parents raise children to conform to societal expectations, and almost nobody has any basis for their beliefs except such statements as, “My grandma always said…” Going to the US, however, took me away from societal pressures and let me lift the veil of culture from my eyes to properly observe, research, and learn what is truly religious, and what is purely cultural. I am not saying all cultural practices are bad; my point, however, is just that it has greatly benefited me to learn of the origin of certain values, even though I continue to support them as before.”
Nevertheless learning does not necessarily come about through confusion and problematic situations. There are those who undergo changes but claim to never have been baffled by the new circumstances.
“Other than bouts of occasional home-sickness I did not face any difficulty as an international student hailing from Pakistan insofar,” shares Natasha Ansari, a Pakistani who has spent two years at Mount Holyoke College. “The new environment has changed me, but I’m sure two years of my life anywhere else would have changed me too because it is human nature to constantly learn, evolve and develop. Everything that I have learned here, I am confident has only been for the better, in terms of broadening my horizons, and equipping me with the ability to think more critically and carefully over every aspect.”
“I haven’t faced any problems in the US so far,” says Sara Abdullah, a sophomore at Mount Holyoke College.
“Really if you think about it, for Jinnah, Iqbal and others, coming to the west was the time when they realized their identities,” says Fizza, a junior at Bennington College. “As a student of anthropology, philosophy and politics/history, I have come to realize both the good and the bad things with the western and eastern societies. I also understand them as a product of historical and social processes. So really, there is nothing to feel confused about in a way.”
While some interactions in the U.S can be unexpectedly unpleasant, they can be justified on the grounds that people belong to different backgrounds and hence cannot relate much to each other. Most upsetting, however, are the Pakistanis back home who refuse to empathize with any experience or approach outside their bubble of a world. A Pakistani girl who feels displaced in the US often feels doubly displaced when she comes home to Pakistan.
“My family and friends did not understand that I was feeling the same kind of pain as they had and had had a terribly hard semester as a whole because of the lack of support,” Sadia continues in her email. “I had to ask for an extension on one of my finals and took the exam home during the summer. However, my parents thought that I had not been strong enough, as I had needed an extension. My best friend thought I was making a big fuss by getting upset when I went back home.
Similarly, another Pakistani student who grew closer to her religion in the US was let down at the hands of Pakistanis only. Following is what she narrates:
“I did not dress up as an observant Muslim when I first came to America. I could not fit perfectly with the American culture. On the other hand I did not even fit with the Pakistani crowd – most people who end up coming to America are from the elite portion of our society and often at times a middle-class Pakistani cannot relate to them because of the differences in experiences and values we all share. I was lost and distressed because I didn’t know where I truly belonged. I don’t have a particular landmark of a moment when I figured things out but I guess a series of events brought me where I am now.
I went back to Pakistan after my first year and there found the comfort of imaan through some of my friends. However, from day one I realized that I did not belong in my own home. Only a year worth of experiences changed me a lot and the silent voices of women in my society bothered me the most, to name a few. Those male friends/family members that I originally was so close to started disgusting me because their sisters/mothers did not even have an atom’s worth of freedom and liberty that they practiced. They had different standards for themselves and different ones for their women. As far as my life at home was concerned, since I was so used to being safe and having the freedom to go out whenever I wanted to (even if it meant biking at midnight), I felt caged. I couldn’t go anywhere unless and until my brother drove me. I couldn’t go for a leisurely walk because it was unsafe etc. Lastly, the aunties and their perception of beauty bothered me. I was much tanned when I returned home (I spent 5 weeks on an island) and suddenly the negative attention bothered me because in America people identified me with my name, not as a dark Pakistani girl.
Long story short, I decided to wear a hijab upon my return from Pakistan because my hijab openly screams what I believe in. Unfortunately my disappointment after doing hijab did not come from anyone but from Pakistanis. Those in Pakistan who believed that my hijab represented my conservative thinking wanted me to not pursue the world or gratify myself intellectually (such as going to graduate school) but wanted me to be an observant and compliant Pakistani Muslim who would marry after graduating from college and then sit at home to take care of her kids. I don’t see myself doing that because my father and I have worked very hard to bring myself where I am. It would be very unfair to him at least if I did that.
On the other hand, the rest of the Pakistanis in America judged me for not being perfect. Suddenly the change either made others feel insecure (and probably think that I was looking down upon them) while the rest made me feel small by saying that “if I cover my head, then why do I not conceal my curves” or “why do I wear jeans?” Simply they wanted me to clad myself in a burqa most likely which I wasn’t ready for.
Hence, when did I feel the most comfortable? When I was not with the Pakistanis. Gradually I have started to feel at home with some but my inhibitions always put me on high alert when I am with them. I was very different my first year in America and since my family is very open about a lot of things, it takes a lot of effort to bring myself closer to what I believe is right i.e. Islam. I don’t want to be judged because I am a hijabi who does some things the wrong way. We all learn and we all grow with time – this is what life is all about.
Since I don’t plan on being a doctor but a simple biology researcher, even Aga Khan University won’t give me a job since doctors are more valuable than petty PhDs! But on a serious note, as a Muslim career-oriented woman I feel more comfortable in the West because I get judged based on my abilities and not how I look or dress. My non-Muslim friends have been the most supportive all these years and America is my new comfort zone, not Pakistan.”
“I have also taken to gently persuade my friends and family to open their eyes more and learn for themselves rather than blindly believe everything they hear,” relates a Pakistani girl studying in the States, who claims to belong to a modern family. “And I am glad that most of them see the truth in what I say.”
More conservative Pakistanis, however, are not receptive towards being told to think by those younger than them or even those at the same age level.
“I do not intend to rise against the odds back home since I understand that culture very well,” writes Rabia who comes from a more conservative family. “Spending one year in States might have introduced me to other side of the world, but it has not completely buried the teachings I have lived eighteen years of my life with. This is one of the reasons I don’t find it difficult to relate to my family and other friends back home.”
Where religion and culture is not a cause for struggle, finding a balance between American individualism and Pakistani collectivism definitely is.
“When you are in the US, you are mostly alone and independent which allows you to form your schedule shape your days, in the way you want to, according to no one’s wishes but yours,” writes Fizza. “This means that when you go back, and that not only means going back to Pakistan, but going back to family situation or a settled household, it is difficult to adjust with familial or communal life because you have had the chance to develop as an individual. But that doesn’t mean that developing as an individual is a good thing in and of itself. That is what happens, as the obvious result of going to college abroad.”
Where these undergraduate women would settle is a question only time can answer.
“I don’t plan on returning to Pakistan in the near future because I want to go to graduate school in America Insha’Allah,” relates an anonymous Pakistani. “That’s 5-6 years of my life and as far as the far-future is concerned, I don’t think on such a long-term basis since life is short and we can plan and plan but Allah SWT is the best planner. I leave everything in His hands but I certainly want to raise my kids in a devout Muslim community where I don’t have to work extra hard helping them distinguish between the right and wrong. That could be Pakistan or anywhere else in the world where true Islam is practiced unlike the cultural shallowness in our country.”
There are some, however, who are decided upon dedicating their learning and lives to Pakistan.
“My experience abroad has allowed me to perceive, and analyze our problems here with more clarity and objectivity, and consequently sharpened my patriotism even more in the process. I am very confident when that I will be settling back in Karachi,” says Natasha. “My experiences abroad have only confirmed this notion, if not formed it.”
As the French philosopher Michel Foucault once said, “Freedom of conscience entails more dangers than authority and despotism.” This spirit for exploration is what American colleges, more than any other university setting, seek to encourage.
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